Hermione and the Flatulence of Doom
by Hermitthefrog
Summary: This is a total mickeytake so please don't take it seriously. Me and a friend just made it up for a laugh and thought it was quite funny. So do not take offense. we take no personal responsiblity for any offense lol as we have warned you. People with sens
1. Chapter 1

**Hermione Granger and the Flatulence of doom**

One summer she was not having the best day, Hermione was sitting in her room minding her own business, reading a book when she decided she need some fresh air. She wandered to the window and pushed it open and the next thing she knew she had large, yogurt like substance on her hand. It took her a while to notice it was bird poo! Or should I say Owl poo. 'Pig' was about to land on the windowsill when it let rip and apiece of poo slipped out and landed on Hermione's hands. In a state of panic she ran to the bathroom, vomited from the smell, repeatedly wash her hands and realised she was constipated.

A few minutes she returned to see 'pig' wiping it's butt on her bed sheets…because all owls do that …after shouting at the Owl "GET OFF MY BED U POOING LITTLE ……. RAT WITH WINGS!" Soon after calming down she grabbed the letter off it's smelly, pooey leg and read trying to decipher it between poo stains:

"Dear Hermione, I am in love with a girl named Helen and want to tell you all about how amazing she is! So I would love it if you could come and join us at the Burrow for the rest of the summer! Also Pig is a little constipated and I was talking to Fred and George the other day and they said they needed my help with one of their inventions! I am dead chuffed and can't wait to hear what they want me to do!"

Hermione was glad to hear that Ron was chuffed but at the same time was kinda jealous of him due to the fact that he was actually going to be doing something she wasn't…Yet she would have loved to know what he was doing too…maybe sabotage it, so she could do it or even steal his thunder! Wow she thought…'I could make it all about...Me!' So after the thoughts about being the centre of attention subsided she started to reply to Ron's letter…

"Dear Ron, I would love to come and spend the rest of my holiday in the burrow! Is Potthead (This is Harry's nickname) coming to? I've not seen him since we were in room of requirement on Saturday night…naked, ahhh the memories! So what day do you want me? Can you tell Ginny I've got sooooo much to tell her! Oooooooo I can't wait! See you soon love Hermit  
p.s. I'm wearing chaps and now have rash and it chafes!

She strapped the letter to a pooey pig and then kicked out the window!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

P.O.V. Ron

Ron got the letter and read it and turned the colour of the tomatoes on his plate. Mrs Weasley shouted over "What does it say son?" Ron ran away upstairs to his room to show Harry, who was in bed from his long travel to the burrow!  
Once in his room Ron dived on to Harry's bed but never noticed the other small body to his right.  
"Bloody hell mate…what's this about you and Hermione in the room of requirement?"  
"What?" said Harry looking very nervous trying to move to hide Ginny.  
"I just got a reply from Hermione and she said you and her were in the room of requirement on Saturday night?"  
Harry felt a knee hit his 'personal area'  
" Ouch!…Erm…we…were…er…she was teaching me to dance!"  
"Ohhh sorry mate I just thought well…u know…it's just u knew how much I love her…erm…I mean u know how much I love u both and well if u guys were together and then split up or u might argue..or whatever..minger!"  
Ron got up slowly but before he reached the door he blurted out…  
"She's also wearin chaps cos she's got a rash!"  
Then left without another word.

Once gone Ginny emerged from the sheets and slapped Harry hard on the cheek.  
"Ginny please…"  
"Don't Ginny please me! I'm not as slow as ma brother! I want to know all the details of what went on in that room of requirement!"   
"Erm…Ok…So she didn't teach me to dance…" He said looking down guiltily… "She was…erm…well…it's kind of embarrassing now" He laughed now but was stopped abruptly by the glare Ginny was giving him.  
"She was … erm… Showing…me how to. Erm…pulckyymeyyerobwyybbwoorres" He mumbled into his pillow.  
"Wot!"  
"Pluck my eyebrows!"  
"Wot?…Really?"  
"Yes now can we drop this please!"  
"Wot?…Really?"  
"YES… Now can I have a hug please! And say thanks for fixing my jeans zip. I couldn't see it and couldn't take them off cos of it. Plus having the button stuck to the bed sheets don't help!"  
"No problem but I'm sorry I slapped you and made you tell me about the room of requirement…I just thought u might only be doing this to…u know…make me…well…I better go before Ron comes back…Bye Harry…Oh and swap your pants over dear ". She said leaving Harry to swap his pants.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters JK came up with. But I do own Helen…Ron's love. Lol  
**

**Chapter 3:**

Back downstairs in the kitchen Ron was writing a response to Hermits letter and thinking what to write… Of course the date and time would be on for them to pick her up but he wasn't sure how to respond to the chaps bit? But he decided to start anyway:

"Dear Hermit,  
We'll pick you up at 5.00, tomorrow. Is that OK? Owl me back telling me. I just thought the sooner the better you know…since Fred and George might ask me anyday to help and I'd love you to be here when they do! By the way I think my dad's been invited to some Ministry of Magic ball (I'm such as liar he thought…I just wanna see Hermione…naked) near the end of the summer and I really really need to know how to dance…I know you're a good dancer and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving me some 'private lessons' in my room maybe when you get here? Well neway I'll shut up now and btw Harry arrived yesterday and I think there's summit the matter with him cos I keep finding him in Ginny's room and well he never seems to get out of bed when I talk to him…Weird I know but before you say nething I have asked him what's up? And he just says "Making up for lost time." Or summit stupid like that…Ain't got a clue...your better at the stuff.  
Love Reasley (Ron's nickname)

P.S I'm sending this with Errol cos U should have seen the state Pig arrived back in…Looked like he'd stopped somewhere to poop while on the way back here."

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Hermione was lying on her bed watching 'Strictly come dancing', waiting for her parent to get back. When she heard a loud 'Bang' from the balcony doors, She jumped up with a start, her right foot landed straight into the bucket of popcorn. Scrambling to get her foot from the bucket she kicked the table, knocking her can of coke over onto her bar of chocolate, which dropped off the edge of the table and landed on the shag pile carpet…Scaring crookshanks making her run up the curtain which began to rip from the size of the cat, revelling a large, confused owl bobbing around the balcony dragging along a letter by it's leg.

Once Hermione had realised that it was Errol and the shock had worn off she headed for the balcony…"clunk…clunk…clunk" She stopped abruptly What could that be? she thought. She waited, listening for any sign of the noise and once convinced it had gone she started for the balcony again "clunk…clunk…clunk". She stopped bewildered waiting for the 2nd time to listen for the noise…nothing. A bit like a monkey looking for nits she scratched her head and began again for balcony.

"Clunk…Clunk…Clunk" She stopped again a little scared, a little frustrated as the noise had stopped again. Her final decision was to just run for the balcony therefore if giant pea jumped out and tried to eat her she could scream attracting attention and also getting to read the letter she presumed was off Ron. "Clunkclunkclunkclunkclunk" She had reached the balcony unharmed and bent down untying the letter from Errol's leg and started to read it.

When she heard the noise again "clunkclunkclunkclunk" Feeling that the noise was closer then before she looked down and saw Errol peaking the bucket still on her foot before flying to the balcony railings. She breathed a sigh of relief to have realised what the noise had been and flicked her foot causing the bucket to come flying off and hit Errol, he hooted as he fell…Hermione ran to the balcony edge looking over hoping he was aright…please please she thought…no what will Reasley say if I've killed his bird!(No not Helen!)"

She looked down but cud see no sign of Errol until she looked up and saw him hurtling straight at her! She tried to duck but was too late…She Errol had hit her right in her nose and she'd fell backwards onto her bum and hitting her head off the bucket giving her a nice bruise…And Errol…well he's…stuck in her hair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"It's alright, I'll floo to yours it will be easier than you guys travelling out here, see you tomorrow, love hermit"

Ron received hermit's letter around 4:45pm the next day. He read it excitedly and ran to find Harry to tell him. He got to his room, which he was sharing with Harry, but found his bed empty so he headed to search the house starting with Ginny's room.  
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Meanwhile down by the lake, Harry was sitting next to Ginny having a nice conversation…  
"Well Harry I could ask why your pants are always stuck to your bed sheets" she laughed.  
"Well …well…I…erm… he stuttered.  
"Don't worry Harry, I know. " she said with a sexy wink  
"Anyway you know that Fred and George have asked Ron to help with one of there inventions…"  
"What! No"  
"Well they have and I'm surprised he's not told you but anyway I was wondering what it…" Ginny's eyes suddenly lit up and she stared cheekily at Harry.  
"Let's go," she said  
"What… where?"  
"Well…copy me" she began to remove her socks and shoes…he copied. Then she began to remove her t-shirt and he stopped…shocked by her sudden change in behaviour.  
"Ginny?"  
"Copy me!" Still shocked he eventually complied but when she began to unbutton her pants, he stopped dead and grabbed her…not quite sure what else to do.  
"COPY ME NOW!" she screamed but stopping abruptly and began running for the lake, Harry chasing…obviously confused.  
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Ron arrived at Ginny's room, finding it empty he started back down the stairs checking each room as he went. Quite confused he headed for the kitchen.  
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Harry chased Ginny as he ran trying to catch the clothes that were hitting him in the face, Ginny just continued to run shedding her clothes at a rapid pace. She was now only a few metres from the pond.  
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Ron was getting to the bottom of the kitchen stairs when he caught sight of his… mother.  
"Mum, have you seen Harry anywhere?"  
"Yes dear, he and Ginny went out about 10 minutes ago."  
"Thanks mum" Ron was slightly confused as to why Harry was with Ginny, but surely Harry didn't…No he wouldn't…I wouldn't let him… She's my sister he thought.  
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Ginny got to the pier and was down to her underwear when she tripped and bounced straight into the lake. Harry stopped on the pier end. Topless and about to take off his pants to jump in after Ginny in case she was hurt from the trip…when Ron stepped out the backdoor. Rooted to the spot of Harry trying to remove his pants about to jump in the lake after his just about naked sister…He screamed with rage. Running as fast as he could diving at Harry, trying to kill him.  
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Two minutes before Hermione arrived and dropped her bags in the kitchen.  
"Ohhh hello dear…Oh my what happened to your nose?"  
"I…err…had a bit of an accident"  
"Ohhh dear I'd heal it if you but I might do it wrong then that would be good wouldn't it" She laughed sarcastically.  
"That's ok Mrs Weasley, Where is everyone?"  
"There outside dear Ginny and Harry went out a while ago and Ron just a few minutes ago. Go out and see them if you want, I'll take your thing upstairs for you. You'll be sharing with Ginny dear."  
"Thanks Mrs Weasley"  
"No problem dear"  
Hermione headed out the backdoor, looking for any sign of life, when the sound of shouting hit her eats…  
"SHE'S MY SISTER DAMMIT! I BET YOU PUT THIS IDEA IN HER HEAD!GINNY! GET OUT! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FOR HEAVENS SAKE!"  
But she continued to splash around totally un-phased by the shouting as if it wasn't going on.  
"AM GONNA KILL YOU!YOU ASKED HER TO DO THIS DIDN'T YOU! TELL THE TRUTH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!ARGUH…GINNY GET OUT!"  
Hermione ran toward Ron who was currently strangling Harry to death at continuous intervals between screaming. She jumped onto his back causing Ron to lose grip on Harry. They stumbled backwards causing him and Hermione to fall off the end of the pier giving Harry the chance to run and hide.  
Ginny continued to play around in the lake oblivious to everything going on around her.  
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Meanwhile Fred and George were rolling around on the floor laughing their heads off at the site from the attic window.  
"Genius Fred…We are genius"


End file.
